He Wasn't Good Enough
by lotrfan2888
Summary: After Claire has a serious talk with Charlie, he thinks about his past and realizes that Claire needs someone better than him. He then receives a surprize from Claire...


"Charlie?"

Charlie's eyelids flickered open slowly. It couldn't possibly be time to get up yet. It was still dark, so there was no bloody way it could be morning. He had just fallen asleep, and he had been getting such a tiny amount of sleep lately, with the little Peanut crying whenever he felt like it. However, Sawyer had volunteered to watch the baby tonight, so that the baby's mum and adopted father could get some sleep, a rather strange act of kindness, in Charlie's opinion. Prior to this, Charlie hadn't been aware that Sawyer performed any acts of kindness.

Normally, he would have been cranky being awoken before he actually had to get up. However, this was an exception. He could feel his face break into a smile as he looked at Claire who had just called out his name in that Australian accent that was able to make Charlie do crazy things just to hear it again. She was lying on her side, staring at Charlie with a strand of her silky cornflower falling over her face. Charlie would never sleep again if this was the sight he was missing when he shut his eyes.

"Charlie?" Claire said once more. "Are you sleeping?"

"No, love," he replied, trying to erase the grogginess from his voice. "But you should be. You haven't been getting much sleep at all lately." Charlie thought that Claire looked rather apprehensive or upset about something. He had tried to warn her against letting Sawyer baby-sit.

"I can't sleep, Charlie," she replied, her blue eyes troubled. "I've been thinking."

Charlie sat up so that he could get a better view of Claire. Something was really worrying her, and he hated it when she was feeling anything but perfect contentment. "What's wrong, Claire?" he asked her. "Would you like to talk about it?"

Claire nodded at him, biting her lip. "I was thinking Charlie," she said again. "I was thinking about how much I love you, and about all of the times that you told me that you love me, how much you adore my Peanut."

So this had nothing to do with Sawyer watching her baby. This was about him. Now Charlie began to feel a little concerned. He nodded at her. "I love you and your baby, Claire, more than anything else."

"That's the problem, Charlie," Claire responded, looking up at him with perturbed eyes. "I've been keeping a secret from you, because I felt that you'd… you'd be ashamed of me if you found out about it. I've never doubted that you wouldn't love me anymore, but… but I'd just crumble if I saw you look at me with disappointment in your eyes, Charlie." Claire stopped, took a deep breath, and then said softly, "But I think that you have a right to know. I… I was going to… going to give my baby up for adoption after he was born." Claire blinked a few times and averted her gaze for a few moments before apprehensively looking at Charlie, as if she weren't sure of his reaction.

"Well, it's good we crashed then, eh?" Charlie said. He had been worried by the way she was talking, but for a deep, dark secret, this one was very easy to take. "You were supposed to have that baby, Claire. Isn't he the best thing that's ever happened to you?"

Claire beamed at Charlie as she pulled herself up into a sitting position so that she could quickly plant a kiss on his lips. "You're too good to me, Charlie," she said. "I'm never going to hide another secret from you again. You've no idea; it feels terrible to keep secrets from someone who loves you."

With that, Charlie froze, staring at Claire in horror. Suddenly everything that she had said sunk in, not about the baby, but about secrets, and Charlie felt like he was drowning in it. He quickly got to his feet, and, despite Claire's questioning protests, walked hurriedly away from their sleeping area. Charlie's heart was pounding, threatening to burst through his chest. He kept on walking, trying to get as far away from Claire as he could. He didn't even know where he was going.

Charlie found himself all alone in the jungle. The moon was shining through the trees, casting an eerie light on his surroundings. Charlie picked out a tree, put his back against it, and then slid down to the ground, pulling his knees to his chest and hiding his face in his hands. Charlie was, without a doubt, the biggest beast in the history of the world. Oh, God. And Claire thought that she was terrible for not telling him that she had been thinking of giving her baby up for adoption. He… he had been so swept up in Claire, in the feeling of being truly in love, that he had forgotten. He had forgotten about the enormous number of girls he had slept with, about the drugs, about the lengths to which he had gone to get those drugs. He had fallen for Claire, and he wanted Claire to fall for him, so he had conveniently forgotten about who he was. All this time, he had been lying to her. She was in love with someone who wasn't the true Charlie Pace.

A few tears rolled down Charlie's face. What was he to do? Claire was too good for the likes of him; he didn't deserve her, and she sure as hell didn't need someone like him in her life. Someone who had let his life go utterly to hell and then had tried to blame it on everyone else. Claire deserved someone who was perfect, who could take care of her and her baby. Her baby… Claire's baby needed a father figure, someone he could look up to and aim to be like when he grew up. Someone like Jack, someone who was not Charlie.

Charlie's tears intensified, and he slowly started rocking back and forth. He had been so happy, so very happy living his lie, pretending that he had not be such a total and complete waste of a human being before the plane crash. But Claire's talk of secrets shattered his blissful lie. He knew that he could no longer be a part of her and her baby's life. It would kill him, but it was undoubtedly the best for Claire and her Peanut. Maybe Jack or Locke would be able to explain it to her. He didn't want to be there to see the look of absolute disgust on her face when she found out what he had been.

He wasn't exactly sure how long he sat there, but if must have been hours, since the sun was up by the time he finally dragged himself to his feet. He felt so completely wretched. Claire had probably gone down to the beach to retrieve her Peanut from Sawyer. That would give him the chance he needed to collect his possessions and set up camp somewhere where he wouldn't see Claire, so he wouldn't be tempted to run back to her and throw himself at her feet. She needed to get off this island with her baby and find a proper father for him. Claire had told him that she had named her baby Charles, but it wasn't truly official until it was on paper. She could change it when she found out the truth about him.

Charlie dragged his feet to the area in which he had set up his and Claire's things a while back. Claire wasn't there. He began throwing his belongings into his bag when something caught his eye. Claire's diary was lying out. She never left it out. Charlie put down the blanket that he was holding and walked over to where the diary lay open. He furrowed his eyebrows. The fact that the diary was open was even stranger. He leaned over to pick the diary up, justifying it with the fact that he was leaving Claire forever and needed one last morsel of her to take with him. Reading it came much easier this time.

Charlie's eyes bulged as he saw his named scrawled across the top of the page that the diary was left open to. It… it was a note to him. The page read:

Charlie,

You have no idea how much you scared me when you ran off like that. If you ever pull anything like that again, I'll beat you. Seriously.

I went to talk to Jack, figuring that he might know what could be bothering you. He knows definitely, but he wouldn't tell me. He said that you have to tell me. However, he did say that your past was probably haunting you, and that you might be feeling guilty that I am in love with someone with a past like yours. If that is the problem, dear Lord, Charlie. I know that you were a famous rock star. We did have VH1 in Australia. I know what goes on in the life of rock stars. There's drinking, drugs, women, etc. I kept that in mind as I was falling in love with you. And, as far as I've seen, there has been no drinking or drugs lately, and I've been the only women you've had your eye on.

No one is perfect, Charlie (except my little Peanut, of course!). I do not expect you to be perfect. I don't even expect you to tell me what happened in your past that bothers you so much. If you want to, fine. If not, that's still okay with me. I'll just tell you that I love you, Charlie Pace, and everything that happened in your past helped to mold you into the man that I want my baby to call Daddy someday.

I don't know what you're planning to do, but the panicked look in your eyes reminded me too much of Thomas when he said that he could be a father. And that scares me senseless. Please don't leave me, Charlie, no matter what happened in your past. You mean too much to me. Everyone makes mistakes, myself included, and if you didn't, I might not be as crazy about you as I am now. You are the only man that I've ever been truly able to picture myself growing old with. I want to wake up seeing you next to me everyday, for the rest of my life. I don't know what I would do if you left me, Charlie. Please forgive yourself for whatever is haunting you so we can continue with our lives. The past is the past, and I want you to be my future.

I love you, Charlie,

Claire

(If I ever catch you reading my diary again, you bugger, I'm going to have Jack slip some laxatives into your helping of boar.)

Charlie smiled as he closed Claire's diary and set it on top of her bag. No, he definitely was not good enough for her. But he would work his bloody brains out for as long as he was alive to do everything he could for Claire and her Peanut. If she was fine with his past, there was no reason why he should not be. He quickly unpacked all of his possessions before he took off towards the beach. He had a certain Peanut to make crazy faces and coo at and a certain woman, who he happened to be madly in love with, to kiss. His past was the past, and Claire and her Peanut would make sure that it stayed there.


End file.
